Today, I get to close a chapter in my life and the legal aspects of that event.
If I could, I would choose to go back in time, 3 years ago. Stay at the botanical gardens for 30 seconds longer. If I had, I wouldn't have been hit by a car. I would have made it across the street unscathed, went to rehearsal that evening, ran my 1st 5k that year, moved on to teach yoga at better and brighter studios, pursued an acting agent, continued classes, and so on and so forth. I would have had my confidence, my body, my balance, and wellbeing. It was without a doubt, the most difficult three years of my life. I worked really hard for years to relearn confidence, re-love my body, re-new my balance and wellbeing. It was constant falling off of horses and getting back up.
It turned into a 3 year long legal battle, doctors poking and probing, a lot of waiting and wanting. And today, I received a judgment of my case. To many people, this mean’s nothing. To me, it’s the period at the end of a sentence. It’s over. The battle is over. Did I win? Yes and No, all at the same time.
I have spent 3 years imagining what today would feel like, and for all the mental preparation one can afford, it is still a surprise to me. I had hoped my judgment would have helped turn back the clock so many years ago and erased that event from my life. Perhaps some comfort and relief. I cannot find the power inside myself to be grateful for this day finally coming. I can't find the strength to appreciate its end.
So, I have spent today thinking deeply of today’s judgment, how I choose to let it define this significant event in my life, the many fears I thought I relinquished, the many desires I still have that haunt me. But nothing is nearly as strange and bitter as closing a once long opened and unwanted chapter in my life. I don't know what my future holds. But I know that there is no going back in time, and there really are no do-overs.
So today, with this newly closed chapter, I find myself opening a new one, forcing me to ask the difficult questions; Who are you and what are you going to do about it Rayme? Get back on the horse? Can you finally rise to the challenge and take heed of the crappy saying?
I still feel the affects of the accident, and it’s in many small and silly ways. For instance, I often repeat myself when I tell my friends and family stories. I have the memorization skills of a 15 year old with ADD and a massive crush on boy bands. My neck makes clicking sounds when I turn it at certain angles. I used to love performing. I used to sing and dance all the time. Now it’s very rare you’ll catch me in a song. If there’s one good thing, I have found my love of photography through all this nonsense. And for that, I can say it was worth it. I have found happiness behind my lenses, and it was all me that made that change.
I don't know today. Maybe tomorrow I'll have an idea. I do have a feeling tomorrow will be better.